A Huge sulfur cloud loomed ominously as Space Baron and Brian stood apprehensively in the Service Station that served as a bus station and a classy cheese emporum all at the same time. There was an eerie silence, broken only by the occasional high pitched whine of a speeding Torana or the hacking hooroffing of a Vomiting Vagrant across the street.
"We're here!" said Space Baron spreading his arms forth and taking in a deep breath.
"Where's here?" asked Brian, puzzled.
"I lost track of time. That Bill Cosby movie get's better every time McCafferty's play.........." trailed off Brian as Space Baron slumped to the ground unconsious.
"Space Baron!" screamed Brian
"Speak to Me!" said Brian as he threw himself across Space Baron's chest weaping profusely.
* * *
-TWO HOURS LATER-
* * *
A monotonous beeping noise emanated from the life support machine. It filled the senses in the stifiling hot room. Suddenly the frightful tension was broken by the rumble of a not too distant mine blast, that shook the room. A door opened softly behind Brian and a distingished looking doctor entered the room and tapped him on the shoulder.
"I am Dr K. Are you a close family member of the patient?"
"Close enough," said Brian with a wave of his hand, turning to stare at the lifeless Space Baron.
"Your friend here had a very close call, you just can't go around breathing anywhere you like around here, there is a time and place for that and if your friend values his life he'll remember that!" said DR K.
"Space Baron, wake up," said Brian, quitely stroking SB's face and gently pushing his fringe back below his Bandana.
"What!........ I can't breathe..." coughed Space Baron.
"You're safe in my hands, Space Baron," said Brian.
Space Baron took one look at the soft look of contenment on Brian's face and then punched him in the nuts.
"No time for dillydallying!" proclaimed Space Baron jumping out of bed completely naked except his rather snazzy Bandana.
"We're here to clean up this no good stinking one horse town!" said Space Baron trumiphantly.
Brian looked around him and realised the sheer enormity and gravity of the statement of purpose that had just spewed from Space Baron's lips. He had to explain his 'deep empathy with Space Baron ideal' so well that there would be no doubt to his overwhelming commitment to the cause. "You're kidding me!" Screamed Brian.
Space Baron nodded knowing with full confidence that they stood united in their cause.
"So what are doing now?" asked Brian, perplexed, as a person dropped dead to his left.
"I don't know," said Space Baron, as the person in front of them slumped to the ground.
"Well do you wanna get some icecream then?" said Brian wondering where the plot was going.
"Well tie your shoelaces first then," said Space Baron throwing away the script with disgust.
"Something interesting has got to happen soon," said Brian bending down to tie his shoelace.
"I Hope so, otherwise I'll see that this person never writes a Space Baron as long as I Live," vowed Space Baron.
Space Baron looked down to where Brian was struggling to tie his shoes together due to the deathly grip on one of the laces.
"LOOK BRIAN! Someone has tried to tell us something by tying your shoes together and he has died in the process."
"Why didn't he just tell us?" asked Brian, perplexed.
Space Baron stared at Brian.
"Wh....WHAT!" said Brian perplexed yet again,
"Do have to even point out the stupidity of your comment?" said Space Baron.
"Look Brian, this guy has arranged your shoelaces into a map of Mt Isa. Look it points to Manson's Music Store on Bull Street" said Space Baron, successfully filling the gap in the storyline.
"Call me Superstitious but I think that there is someone behind this all, I can feel it!" said Space Baron showing remarkable insight.
-Manson's Magical Music Store-
"Alright Brian, the key is to blend in," said Space Baron, ajusting his top hat and armnie suit.
Space Baron casually looked around him, walked across the street, casual as you like, and slipped into the Music store.
"So Manson, why are people around here dying like flies?" said Space Baron rather casually.
"Well I don't see them dropping like mice!" said Manson enthusasitically
"Da dom tish!" played Brian on a rather snassy looking drum kit.
"Stop playing with the drums Brian!" shouted Space Baron wishing the writer could have resited using that joke.
"Alright Manson, were've no time for cheap jokes. Who's behind all this?" said Space Baron waving his Top Hat menacingly.
Manson was a little put off by this gesture and looked over his shoulder before leaning closer to Space Baron.
"Dr K is running the mine now and he intends to rid the world of oxygen by spewing forth his super-duper killer chemicals from the giant smoke stacks above us, in order to rid the atmosphere of oxygen." said Manson.
"Good God!" said Space Baron shocked at the originality of this evil scheme.
"Where can we find this Dr K?" asked Space Baron.
"Dr K is a doctor by day and a niteclub owner by night. I suggust that you try the club 'Switches' on the mall." Said Manson touching his nose.
-LATER THAT NIGHT-
The flickering blue neon lights of the Switches Niteclub lit up the sky as our heroes entered. A lone taxi stood on the rank as a Vailant roared by.
"It looks like Mary Street," said Brian feeling at home.
"It can't be that bad," said Space Baron.
Space Baron and Brian cast their eyes across the bar at the drinking miners, cowboys and aborignals. The dance floor was as empty as a ghost town and a solitary figure could be seen in the DJ box absorbed in his work.
"There he is Brian," Space Baron pointed at the DJ.
Brian suddenly went into the fetal position as the sickeningly familar sounds of Cold Chisel and the Angels washed over him.
"Make it stop Space Baron!" whined Brian.
Space Baron grabbed the nearest double lined flanny he could find and tied it around his ears in the style of a turban and started slowly crawling across the dancefloor. The Evil Dr K saw Space Baron coming and quickly changed the CD to Step's Bootscooting Baby.
"Take that Space Baron!"
"You'll have to do better than that Dr K... or should say Dr Killpeopleviolently!"
"With pleasure, Space Baron!"
Time seemed to slow down for our intrepid hero as Dr K pulled out a CD marked only with 'DANGER!' Space Baron crawled faster, he had to stop this before it was too late. He could hear his heart beat like thunder as Dr Killpeopleviolently inserted the CD and pressed play.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!"screamed Space Baron in anguish, as his worst fears were realised. It was Jimmy Barnes and Tin Lids Christmas Album.
Space Baron could feel the flanny slipping as Jimmy hit a high note, then everthing went black..........
-SOME TIME LATTER-
Space Baron and Brian woke to find themselves tied up in a featureless room except for Dr K and a very very very large RED button.
"You're Sick! No one on this planet would even comtemplate listening to that Album!" said Space Baron showing his contempt.
"Well working at 4KQ gives you a whole new perspective on the quality musical talent of Jimmy Barnes."
"That's no excuse! What if every sick indivual that listened to 'EASY LISTENING' 4KQ said that? There'd be chaos! You can't just go around playing that lunatic to anyone you like. I'll have you know that he is classified as noise pollution in 27 countries," said Space Baron flabbergasted.
"Well it wouldn't have happened if it weren't for you!" shouted Dr K, insulted at Space Baron's comments on his musical tastes.
"I told you you couldn't just Breathe anywhere you liked!" shouted Dr K
"You can't go around ridding the world of oxygen. What will we live on?" shouted Space Baron.
"Aaahhhh but that's the genius in it all. I will get rid of all the oxygen and then the world leaders will die and I will take over the world!" said Dr K tapping the side of his nose.
"But won't the rest of the world die?" said Brian, wondering if Dr K had a cold.
"Quiet fool!" snapped Dr K for atmosphere.
"...And then you'll die!" said Space Baron rather dramatically.
"Imbecile! Your puny mind could never grasp the sheer genius of my plan!" shouted Dr K.
"As I push this button, the room that you are sitting in will slowly be filled with my evil superchemicals and then you will die my friends and I will then take over the WORLD!" said Dr K pushing the button of death.
Will Space Baron and Brian get out of the Noxious Room?
Will the world come to senses and ban Jimmy Barnes?
Will Mt Isa ever be the same again?
Will I ever write another Space Baron Again?
Find out this and more in the next rather silly (and heavily edited) SPACE BARON!